4/21/2009
Lebron James redux
I do not like Lebron James. I have detailed my issues with him in a previous sports rant, he is soccerizing the NBA, not that the NBA has any kind of credibility as an awesome sport or anything. I will not re-hash the previous post, NO NO I have new issues with this DBag.
First of all, he's ugly, he's got a receding hairline and a big nose. His dancing shit and orchestrated fake pictures are so lame. It's not funny, it's not cool, I picture a country full of little shitheads that just eat this stuff up. "Yo ray ray you see what bron just did!" All the retards that wear XXL jerseys to school like they're polo shirts probably rehash bron brons antics daily by the water cooler. Wait a second, you only see water coolers in offices. Lebron James fans do not have jobs in offices. They work at Wendy's, Ponderosa, and if they're lucky a mall kiosk. No I do not want a new cell phone. And I don't give a shit about your favorite basketball player.
Jay Cutler
Jay Cutler is unbelievable. First of all have you seen his press photo? This guy is an athlete? His picture perfectly suits the type of person he is, total dud. Second of all he is extremely overrated. People think because he had alot of TD passes and Yards that he is some stud. But what better measures are their of performance one true prophet! How about fucking passer rating, not perfect but fucking passer rating, 15th in the NFL in passer rating! How about interceptions, 12 interceptions! How about total offensive rank, 15th! I greatly anticipate him crashing and burning in Chicago, where it will get real uncomfortable for him when he starts tossing picks, getting sacked behind that weak offensive line, and realizes he is quarterbacking the team with the worst young offensive talent in the leage. RB? WR? Buehler? Buehler? Only Ferris Buehler could get him out of this jam. Ferris would compose a recording of fake vomit noises on his keyboard and everything would just work out. That is until Ed Rooney's nephew, the current defensive coordinator of the Minnesota Vikings, got his hands on a gameplan to send every angry, 6'6", 320lb defensive lineman at him. If that doesn't work we'll get that jesus freak meathead Philip Rivers to start hootin and hollerin at him from the sideline.
The Masters
The Masters was such a thrill. Tiger Woods and Philly Mickelson making that run on the back nine was amazing. This is the only way golf can be exciting. I give Tiger a free pass on his finish just for making us think there was a chance. The one true prophet was visibly excited after he made the eagle put on 14. Now, with that said, the problem with The Masters was that you had three guys battling for the green jacket who could not suck more. You had an old ugly dude (kenny perry), a guy that doesn't speak english (angel cabrera), and a jesus freak (chad campbell). And by the way, Angel Cabrera's first name is pronounced AIN-GIL, not fucking OOON-GHE-GHEYELL. Americans do not recognize that pronunciation, and therefore, it does not exist.
4/12/2009
Opening Day
Great little get together at Fenway park yesterday. Opening day is a very interesting event to attend. I sat on the third base line and heckled Carl Crawford all game. "Hey Craawfuhd! You suck Craawfuhd! Craawfuhd you never learned how to read! Hey Crawfuhd skiis in jeans!" I got no laughs from anyone around me, losers!
MLB Network
I have not watched much of this but I like the option. What I do know is that their set is fucking sweet. See, when the Red Sox play well, I will obsessively watch highlights, can't get enough of it. When they lose, I treat them like a girlfriend that just broke up with me. I pretend that they do not exist, I will not watch highlights, I will be sad until they win again. It's a pathetic, high maintenance existence.
Ian Poulter
Wears a pink barbie thong for the masters
Has a bigger vagina than Madonna
Linda Cohn
Should not be in High Definition
Has a bigger penis than Merrel Hoge
Wore her navy lesbian suit on ESPN picture day
Manu Ginobli
Sucks at fucking basketball.
Is a douchebag. Comes from Argentina, GDP -$ 213 Billion, top export....douchebags.
