The One True Prophet’s Super Bowl Attire
On sale now for the economic price of $995.59
As a footnote, i'm sure you're all aware that Peyton Manning is the lovechild of
Tweety Bird
and The Toxic Avenger.
Excellent commercial
You heard it here first
At the beginning of the year I went around to everyone who would listen, family, friends, strangers, mortal enemies, etc...... and explained to them that the Vikings season would end with a Brett Favre interception. I want to be out early with next year's prediction so here it is. The vikings 2010 season will end with a Brett Favre interception IN THE SUPERBOWL? What is my logic? What is the only way Brett Favre could inflict more pain to the Vikings fanbase......well......you have your answer. Another prediction, he will retire, and come back after training camp.
The Minnesota Vikings radio broadcast has been making the rounds on sports talk radio, for those that have not heard it, it's good.
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2010/images/01/25/FavreINT.mp3
The thing about that game, is that Favre actually played pretty well up until his fateful and very predictable interception. He was getting smoked by Saints defense, his running backs were fumbling the ball, and he was pretty much taking them down the field. Here's the problem. They go about sixty yards in 30 seconds and brad childress gets all fucking conservative. 50 yard field goal is no good! He called two runs up the gut and got nothing. Keep going down the field, they were having their way with the Saints and could have gotten the ball MUCH CLOSER. Then Childress calls a timeout and sends 12 fucking guys into the hudde! What is that shit! Ok so Childress fucked up, Favre fucked up, they still have overtime.
The Saints win the coin toss and still need a bullshit pass interference call and dropped pass by meachum (called a catch) to win the game. Ask yourself, how good can the Saints be? They need all of these things to happen to win?! Brees looked rattled, those that converse with the One True Prophet also heard his preseason prediction that Brees would shit his pants in the playoffs. He did it on Sunday, he did it in the last NFC championship game he was in against the Eagles, and he'll do it again in the Superbowl.
It’s more like Ray Boo-is
That fucking sucked. I hate the Ravens. I don't even know where to go with this team. To make myself feel better, i'm going to talk about football players I don't like.
Ben Roethlisberger
How the fuck do you spell his last name? As i've mentioned before, he looks like 20 pounds of bologna in a 10 pound bag. He's such a douchebag, and I hate him. In the offseason he likes to grind and cure his own sausages. Ben Roethlisberger loves sausages. Ben Roethlisberger and Hines Ward like to eat opposite ends of sausages like the two dogs with the spaghetti in the lady and the tramp.
Rex Ryan
I hate this fat fuck. Oh his players love him! He came out with a schedule and it included the victory parade! And the players loved it! FUUUUUCK YOU! Rex Ryan loves football and cheese fries cooked in Crisco. He likes to watch film whilst eating said cheese fry. Rex Ryan gets dieting tips from Fat Bastard in Austin Powers. Rex Ryan once danced with Fat Bastard at a New York City club for plus size men. Rex Ryan wore a bedazzled mumu and ordered a gravy martini. Rex Ryan loves gravy martini's.
Brett Favre
"Ah know that ah kin still play........but i'm not sure ah want to." Brett Favre likes to customize his wrangler overalls. He drives trucks, throws interceptions, and sucks at football. Brett Favre once saved a hounds leg by using his wranglers to create a tourniquet. Brett Favre once saved the sweat from his beard and used it to cure malaria in a malnourished African child. Brett Favre once scratched his butt which resulted in a confluence of circumstance resulting in a reduction of harmful Ultraviolet radiation (see Butterfly effect)
The butterfly effect is a metaphor that encapsulates the concept of sensitive dependence on initial conditions in chaos theory; namely that small differences in the initial condition of a dynamical system may produce large variations in the long term behavior of the system.
No, none of this actually happened, although it was reported on ESPN this morning. ESPN considers Brett Favre stories and highlights pornogrophy since it arouses them.
The Mayonnaise Effect
The One True Prophet's feelings on mayonnaise are well documented. Beyond it's garden variety disgusting-ness, it encourages it's supporters to find new and interesting ways to combine it with other foods, as the star ingredient nonetheless! Shame on you Mayonnaise lover, this is surely your handi-work! Shot by the OTP himself at a local supermarket.
The hot stove is a fickle, moody bitch
I'm relatively pleased with the Red Sox offseason moves. I have stated to several disciples that Theo Epstein is actually my Avatar. Meaning the One True Prophet is controlling the general manager of the greatest sports franchise in the world. I don't plan on falling in love with a jewish princess and rebelling against Thormons so just settle down. The Lackey signing is obviously a good move. John Lackey is one of the ugliest humans on the planet, this is a fact. But adding a #2 starter for just money, who could argue with this. Apparantly his wife told him to sign in Boston, this is what she looks like.
She's holding a cup of fucking Dunkin too! Does it get any better than that!
5/12/2009
Boxing sucks
Alright, I think we all know that boxing fucking sucks. Like, there's a sport where two dudes are basically trying to kill each other. If we're going to make a sport that barbaric then give me the dudes in the octagon, boxing is so bleeping boring. No Dana White MMA will not be the most popular sport in 10 years, I kind of think it is peaking right now.
What's my point? I was just down in the gym at my office. They have this punching bag in there. Why the fuck do they have a punching bag in a corporate office gym? Anyway this fucking douchebag rolls in like it's fight night in Poughkeepsie with his fucking headphones on and he's like rapping and head bobbing. What the fuck is that shit! I'm on the treadmill watching Jerry Orbach be sarcastic in his pursuance of a perp in Law and Order and this dude comes in rapping. Then he gets on the eliptical. Then he starts hitting the punching bag. Then he starts rapping. Then he starts doing pushups. Then head bob, punching bag, with that weird breathing thing boxers do when they punch. Then he's kicking the bag. This dude like wants to assault somoeone. His mother never loved him growing up and he is angry. He starts going ballistic on this punching bag and pushing it all over the room. So fucking awkward.
What is wrong with these people. I hereby denounce all boxers. They are poor, angry douchebags. They are looking for a fight, of course all of them look like neglected crack babies and that's why they're angry. Fuck boxers, they can all go fuck themselves. Creep out people in the barrio and stay out of the corporate office gyms.
Manny Ramirez
Getting accepted to college
Getting my first job out of college
Winning the 2001 Super Bowl
Winning the 2004 World Series
There are certain events in a persons life that bring unmeasurable joy and untold riches to ones psyche. The Manny Ramirez suspension is one of those events. That fucking scumbag is so screwed. I have actually been hoping this would happen, I was hoping somehow it would come out he was on that list of 103 names. Do I care if he did it in a Red Sox uniform? FUCK NO. I just want his career ruined, I want his kid to be made fun of at school. I only pray that he will someday enter the batters box at Fenway park and get what is really coming to him. And I will be there. I used to think I wanted boos, I would now prefer orchestrated laughing. 35,000 people pointing and laughing. Then the next at bat we boo him. Then the next one we urinate on him. Then we shake a baby rattle at him and steal his gerber. Then we drop a mickie in his drink and shave his head. Then Papelbon farts on him. WHAT ISN'T THAT WHAT EVERYONE WAS THINKING!
4/21/2009
Lebron James redux
I do not like Lebron James. I have detailed my issues with him in a previous sports rant, he is soccerizing the NBA, not that the NBA has any kind of credibility as an awesome sport or anything. I will not re-hash the previous post, NO NO I have new issues with this DBag.
First of all, he's ugly, he's got a receding hairline and a big nose. His dancing shit and orchestrated fake pictures are so lame. It's not funny, it's not cool, I picture a country full of little shitheads that just eat this stuff up. "Yo ray ray you see what bron just did!" All the retards that wear XXL jerseys to school like they're polo shirts probably rehash bron brons antics daily by the water cooler. Wait a second, you only see water coolers in offices. Lebron James fans do not have jobs in offices. They work at Wendy's, Ponderosa, and if they're lucky a mall kiosk. No I do not want a new cell phone. And I don't give a shit about your favorite basketball player.
Jay Cutler
Jay Cutler is unbelievable. First of all have you seen his press photo? This guy is an athlete? His picture perfectly suits the type of person he is, total dud. Second of all he is extremely overrated. People think because he had alot of TD passes and Yards that he is some stud. But what better measures are their of performance one true prophet! How about fucking passer rating, not perfect but fucking passer rating, 15th in the NFL in passer rating! How about interceptions, 12 interceptions! How about total offensive rank, 15th! I greatly anticipate him crashing and burning in Chicago, where it will get real uncomfortable for him when he starts tossing picks, getting sacked behind that weak offensive line, and realizes he is quarterbacking the team with the worst young offensive talent in the leage. RB? WR? Buehler? Buehler? Only Ferris Buehler could get him out of this jam. Ferris would compose a recording of fake vomit noises on his keyboard and everything would just work out. That is until Ed Rooney's nephew, the current defensive coordinator of the Minnesota Vikings, got his hands on a gameplan to send every angry, 6'6", 320lb defensive lineman at him. If that doesn't work we'll get that jesus freak meathead Philip Rivers to start hootin and hollerin at him from the sideline.
The Masters
The Masters was such a thrill. Tiger Woods and Philly Mickelson making that run on the back nine was amazing. This is the only way golf can be exciting. I give Tiger a free pass on his finish just for making us think there was a chance. The one true prophet was visibly excited after he made the eagle put on 14. Now, with that said, the problem with The Masters was that you had three guys battling for the green jacket who could not suck more. You had an old ugly dude (kenny perry), a guy that doesn't speak english (angel cabrera), and a jesus freak (chad campbell). And by the way, Angel Cabrera's first name is pronounced AIN-GIL, not fucking OOON-GHE-GHEYELL. Americans do not recognize that pronunciation, and therefore, it does not exist.
4/12/2009
Opening Day
Great little get together at Fenway park yesterday. Opening day is a very interesting event to attend. I sat on the third base line and heckled Carl Crawford all game. "Hey Craawfuhd! You suck Craawfuhd! Craawfuhd you never learned how to read! Hey Crawfuhd skiis in jeans!" I got no laughs from anyone around me, losers!
MLB Network
I have not watched much of this but I like the option. What I do know is that their set is fucking sweet. See, when the Red Sox play well, I will obsessively watch highlights, can't get enough of it. When they lose, I treat them like a girlfriend that just broke up with me. I pretend that they do not exist, I will not watch highlights, I will be sad until they win again. It's a pathetic, high maintenance existence.
Ian Poulter
Wears a pink barbie thong for the masters
Has a bigger vagina than Madonna
Linda Cohn
Should not be in High Definition
Has a bigger penis than Merrel Hoge
Wore her navy lesbian suit on ESPN picture day
Manu Ginobli
Sucks at fucking basketball.
Is a douchebag. Comes from Argentina, GDP -$ 213 Billion, top export....douchebags.
