2/24/2009
Belligerant misuse of "the nation"
OK, this has been bothering me for a while. The use of the word "nation" to describe one's fan-base is out of control. The origin of the term was of course "Red Sox Nation". This was a brilliant term, because the red sox fans are everywhere. You go to Camden Yards, Red Sox fans. You go to Tampa, you've got a bunch of beantown fat fucks ordering three beers at a time. Los Angeles? Filled with Red Sox fans. So the term makes sense. And, to be fair, it's a legitimate term for any team that has fans all over the country/world.
There is no such thing as "Gator nation" or any other team whose fanbase is localized within the immediate geographic parameter of the team. That is not nation. There are no fucking Florida Gator fans outside of wherever they are, somewhere in Florida, they film COPS there i'm pretty sure.
Just say no to brackets
Filling out NCAA Tournament brackets is so stupid. People that don't follow college basketball, and know nothing about college basketball, rush to the printers to fill out their fucking brackets. Why? You have no idea who these teams are? What's worse, these people get pissed off when their brackets get ruined by said team they know nothing about! Why do you care! Watch the tournament with no attachments, it is so much more enjoyable!
I have to watch the tournament with people that clutch to their brackets AND FUCKING FILL THEM OUT WITH THE WINNERS AND LOSERS! They complain to their friends that team X ruined their bracket, what the fuck man. Shame on you sir!
I have filled out two brackets in the last eight years. That's right, the UVM Catamounts have gone all the way TWICE!
Stephon Marbury
Hate this dude. I do think this can be a good acquisition, only because he's playing for a new contract and because of the veteran presence on the Celtics.
Tiger Woods
Recently named "Mr. Awesome"
Makes his wife wear nike sweaters when they have sex
Donald ducks it in his green jacket and golf spikes
2/21/2009
OK, I think I underestand why people use facebook. Single guys use it to creep on girls, fine. I think that facebook is really stupid. I have never signed up and never will and only know about it by testimonial evidence. Facebook is so fucking self promotional and needy. Hey everyone, this is what i'm up to. I'm showering, i'm getting dressed, i'm lonely, please please somebody talk to me.
I think most people want to socialize, and that's why people use it. I do not want to be found, and do not want to socialize, in fact this website is an "anti-social network" I am the sole proprietor of it's content, nobody can write on my wall, and nobody can send me a fucking plant or a pillow fight or a fucking drink. Facebook, it's more like Faceboo!
Red Sox
Thank god spring training is here, it's still a boring, bleeping time. Anyway, here are some predictions.
David Ortiz: Stop whining bro. You're pissed that people are doubting you and want another "slugger' The red sox scored the second most runs in MLB last year. Youkilis, Bay, Lowelll and Drew are all legitimate 30 HR/ 100 RBI threats. Pedroia is the bleeping MVP. Pull your weight Big Papi and all will be well. If I had to predict what type of year you'll have, i'd guess 25HR, 275 BA, 100 RBI. Solid year, probably equaleed by 4 of your teammates.
AL East: I predict the Yankees and Red Sox will make the playoffs. They Rays are a great team. A great team of fucking douchebags, with shitty fans and the worst stadium in MLB, and they play some shit rap song when they score a run. Why will they be the odd man out? Simple, money....they don't have the money to provide the depth necessary to withstand inevitable injuries. A couple starting pitchers go down, or their bullpen doesn't catch fire like last year and they're screwed. Fuck you Carlos Pena, fuck you BJ Upton, you are a disgusting mutant Matt Garza. Dioner Navarro looks like a fucking swamp creature. I fucking hate them, NO NO i'm not bitter about the ALCS LAST YEAR.
Dioner Navarro
What the hell is the deal with baseball players and mangina's!?!?
Is a fat fuck
Loves Celine Dione
Matt Garza
Is an illegal immigrant
Also has a mangina!
Doesn't know what donald ducking it means
2/16/2009
Deep Dish Pizza
Chicago likes to brag a bit about pizza. But....their pizza sucks. Deep dish pizza is so bleeping weak. I'm not talking about the thicker crust, delicious sicilian styles of pizza. Those are amazing, and a pillowy thick crust can be good from time to time. I'm talking about authentic deep dish chicago pizza. I've been there and had it. It's a thick, dense crust. Now get this, they put the cheese UNDERNEATH THE BLEEPING SAUCE! WHAT THE BLEEP TYPE OF PERVERSION IS THAT! You can have about 1 slice before you're full and angry that you wasted a perfectly good appetite. Boo to deep dish, give me a crisp fucking slice.
Soap Operas
I hate soap operas. From time to time I am on a treadmill and they are on the television in front of me. Trust me I would change the channel if I could.
I would rather watch a documentary on how they make Jerry Jones' face look like a freshly shorn scrotum than watch evil billy who always wears his leather jacket with the collar up make mean faces at the fat girl who really isn't pretty enough to be on the show but has been on since she was a cute kid so they still have her on, you know even though she is fat and ugly.
Then Dylan with the turtleneck seduces cougar X and all the while Stefan looks on incredulously with his shirt unbuttoned. What the fuck! What the fuck! The acting is so bad that it's uncomfortable to watch ON MUTE! I have never heard a fucking word these idiots have utterred and it's so bleeping bad!
The Sports Doldrums
Ladies and gentleman.....who am I kidding, gentleman and gentleman you may have noticed that we have entered a time of the year I refer to as "the sports doldrums".
This effectively begins after the conference championship games because the two weeks leadinig up to the super bowl might qualify as the worst two weeks in sports. As soon as the conference championship games end and march madness starts THERE IS NOTHING. Add in a super bowl winner that you don't fancy and it makes the time period insufferable! There is nothing going on! No baseball! No football! NOTHING! NOTHING! I literally hibernate for these two months and give the television "the thousand mile stare".
2/13/2009
Jeanie Zalasco
Who the fuck hired this pig nose fatty? I demand to know her qualifications! What the fuck are her qualifications! Why is she telling me about baseball! She knows nothing about baseball! Why the hell is she the host of Fox's baseball program, of which contains League Championship and World Series games! What the hell are they thinking? Why is she on that show. You could put a wig on a pig, slap on a little lipstick, voila Jeanie Zalasco. Obviously the rest of their team sucks too, but one step at a time here
John Clayton - How can you not trust the credentials of someone who looks like that for a TV job? He delivers good information with no cliche's.
Mike Golic - He is arguably their most talented personality. He delivers great analysis, insight, and opinion. He is also hilarious and lays the self deprecating humor on thick.
Scott Van Pelt - He covers sportscenter and radio duties masterfully. He is hilarious, he got suspended for ripping Bud Selig, you gotta love that
Merril Hoge - Nice 18 button fucking suit you fucking meathead, ex steeler, patriot hater. You do not deliver analysis, you deliver cliche's.
Stuart Scott - .....Too easy, oh what the hell. Nice eye bro, not to mention the eyebrow. What is the deal with your fucking rapping and street references, you are such a fucking cartoon, are you like an ESPN orphan or something?
Steven A. Smith - Why is this retard on the air? Why is this angry douchebag talking to me about sports? What are his qualifications? Hmmm....he's loud, obnoxious, ugly, makes no relevant analysis, is an apoligist for all his boys, you're hired!
2/9/2009
A-Rod, i'm so thrilled about this development. Barry Bonds came along and broke the home run record dirty. But A-Rod will come around and save the day, break it clean! I don't care how much he used them. I don't care if he was falsely implicated or if he guzzled the stuff like it was Sunny D. All of his statistics are now tainted. Guess who has tickets to the first Yankee - Red Sox game of 2009 at Fenway Park? THIS GUY. I have some options here.....
1. Hypodermic needle foam finger
2. Sign: A-Rod........too easy
Several months ago I placed a bug in A-Rod's apartment, this is what ensued...
A-Rod: Hey madge, did you pick up any Sunny D at the store?
Madonna: They were out, instead I picked up some of those male enhancement pills
Alex Rodriguez
A-Rod: But I don't have any erectile disfuntion.
Madonna: They're for me, I have a penis, it's flacid.
A-Rod: Oh it's party time.
2/6/2009
Basketball
Basketball does possess some saving graces. Dunks and three pointers are great. The fast break is exciting. Everything else pretty much sucks. Basketball is the worst of the four major sports, let me explain.
Basketball is the sport most affected by the officials. Let's just say for the sake of argument that the officials call a reasonable game that is fair to both sides. Basketball still fucking sucks. Why? Two words, foul shots. You want another word? Timeouts.
Fucking foul shots, the whole game is foul shots. It's not even a game so much as a bunch of foul shots. They might as well be playing horse. The timeouts make it worse. The entire second half of every game goes like this...
Foul shot, timeout, turnover, foul shot, no call, kobe sexually assaults pau gasol, timeout, timeout, tv timeout, foul shot, tv foul timeout shot, on and on and on. Add in some poor officiating and you have an experience that rarely resembles sport.
Los Angeles Lakers
I hate the fucking Lakers, nary does one find such a collection of douchebags on one team.
Kobe Bryant, certified rapist. He will never win a championship without Shaq.
Pau Gasol, I can't believe this guy is real. Dude looks like a llama. Shave your fucking neck bro! A bag of smashed dicks would look better than your face does. One time I dressed up for halloween as crazy bag of smashed dicks face and everyone thought I was Pau Gasol. I attended the Lakers - Celtics game last night and won great fanfare for this custom shirt designed just before tipoff.
Sasha, your name is fucking Sasha. You wear a fucking chick headband. By the way, if Kobe asks you to pick up the soap in the shower, DON'T DO IT! I mean.... I bet you'd like it.
Andrew Bynum: Bynum hungry......Bynum hurt knee, Bynum never learn to read! (sob)
2/3/2009
James Harrison is a fucking wife beater. This douchebag is overrated and dripping of Human Growth Hormone. Have you seen his head? His giant, watermelon sized melon? How can you have a head that big when your brain is the size of a grain of sand? This dick is also legendarily stupid. He was not even drafted and cut four times because he was too dumb to figure out the defensive plays. The fucking defensive player of the year was out of the NFL because "rush the quarterback" was too complex for him.
James Harrison
When James Harrison sees an inkblot of a circle he thinks about Cheerios.
James Harrison majored in "general studies" in college. I assume this entails playing with matchbox cars and trying to fit squares and circles into blocks with square and circle shaped cutouts in them. If his teachers had known what was good for him, they would have had him study the United States penal code, you know, in general.
The best team now is not the team that won last year
Question: So who is the best team in the league this year?
Retard's Answer: Well until somebody knocks off the champs, it's previous year X's Team Y.
NO! NO YOU FUCKING CHILD! Just because a team won the championship the previous year does not mean they are the best team the next year until another team wins the championship. Teams lose players to free agency, they acquire new players, players get injured, teams play differently.
Do not answer the question "who won the championship last year?" when the quesiton is "who is the best team now?"
Manny Ramirez
You fucking scumbag you are getting exactly what you deserve! Mark my words, the first game you play against us at fenway, I will be there. I will be there with a front row seat behind the visitors dugout. I will have a new baby rattle for you. I am going to boo the fucking shit out of you and hit you in the neck with a poisonous blowdart.
2/1/2009
What is the deal with cycling? People that ride them on the road.....are a menace. And what is with the fucking outfits? These people think they are fucking Dan Jansen suiting up for the Speed Skating 2000 meters at the olympics or some shit. Dude, you do not need to put a wetsuit on to get exercise on a bicycle. Everyone I see out on a bicycle is in some sort of Lance Armstrong fantasy camp. What makes an otherwise folksy and sensible fat fuck squeeze into a Discovery team leatard and punish their poor bicycle seat with "Sweaty Sacfest 2009"? By the way, people that wear leatard's are reatard's. But share the road! I will, until which point I pass you angrily and fumigate you with my toxic emissions.
