1/28/2009
A look at Varitek's relative offensive rankings
With all the talk about Jason Varitek's offense, I felt it was time to do some due diligence on the matter. He want through a divorce last year, due to the fact that every female NESN studio host got a personal game of hide the snausage from our captain. I have heard Hazel Mae and Heidi Watney through the rumormill.
Here's how Varitek ranks among all catchers with at least 300 at bats. (Total of 26)
OBP: . 313 (18th)
Slugging: .359 (23rd)
Games: 131 (10th)
Strikeouts: 152 (16th)
He is very durable as evidenced by the number of games played, and he does not strike out alot. The OBP and Slugging really are apalling. I was not aware they were that bad. The OBP is real bad, the slugging...is worse. As mentioned in a previous entry, there are no other good options. Suck it up and hope he improves.
Neutral site world series
I was watching ESPN today and I saw Ryan Howard propose a neutral site World Series. I also heard this from some idiots around the time of that shitty world series in Philadelphia. Let me address this quickly. No fucking way. So....loyal fans attend or watch 162 fucking regular season games. It's a fucking gauntlet, a painful, emotional, delicious gauntlet. So, 162 games and alot of anger and wild mood swings later, the playoffs. The most exciting time of the year, I love it. 3-5 games in the divional series, 4-7 games in the ALCS. Now..fucking finally, WE'RE IN THE WORLD SERIES! Oh why have the sports gods chosen us to reap this glorious bounty and to smite the hated yankees!?!? What's that? The games will be played in Iowa? And a bunch of fucking mall retards get to go? Not us? NOT US! Jim from Tallahassee get's to go? And if I want to go I have to go to fucking Iowa? No......no thanks Ryan Howard. You are very ugly Ryan Howard, and you are fat. The worst part about the superbowl is that it's at a neutral site in warm weather. Cold weather games bra, those ones are the best.
1/24/2009
I can't believe how long this guy was a head coach. He's really dumb. It may not be politically correct to say that since he's arguably mentally disabled.
This is his employment history
1990 - Fry Cook at Burger King. Fired after trying to deep fry a racoon. Herman Edwards hates racoons, damn stupid, delicious racoons.
1991 - Register at Arby's. Quit because the buttons on the register were too confusing. He returned as a customer because he loves roast beef sandwiches
1992 - Supplement Salesman at GNC. Resigned after sexually harassing a tub of protein shakes. Herman Edwards is hot for protein shakes, but not from guys, well maybe on saturday nights.
1993 - Arrested for donald ducking it at his kid's soccer team's potluck dinner. Herman Edwards hates to wear pants and loves potluck dinners.
1994 - Failed Speedo franchise. Sales of the product were actually quite brisk, but Herm was too busy smelling the man bikini's to notice.
1994 - Lost to every one of his friends in Sega Genesis Madden Football 94'. Herman Edwards sucks at video games.
1995 - Applies for permanent disability benefits by reason of mental defect. In a sordid and regrettable paperwork mixup, he is awarded the Head Coaching position for the New York Jets.
2001 - Suspended by the league for requiring players to practice with pads, jersey, shoes, and no pants. The suspension is enacted only after Focus groups deem the practice "creepy" and Herm Edwards "stupid"
2009 - Fired by the Kansas City Chiefs. Mentioned excitement about more time to eat at Arby's. Herman Edwards loves Arby's.
1/22/2009
Fake Headlines
Tony Romo's drunken night of partying ends with hundreds of creeped out chicks after he donald ducks it at Les Deux in L.A.
Mark Schlereth: "I could pee in the urinal with my pants around my ankles and noone would say a word"
Mark McGwire interested in testicular enlargement surgery
Stephon Marbury on what it's like to be really ugly and suck at basketball and life
Maria Sharapova determined not hot, just tall blonde that plays tennis and grunts loudly
Ryan Clark's hit on Willis Mcgahee
Tony Romo's drunken night of partying ends with hundreds of creeped out chicks after he donald ducks it at Les Deux in L.A.
Mark Schlereth: "I could pee in the urinal with my pants around my ankles and noone would say a word"
Mark McGwire interested in testicular enlargement surgery
Stephon Marbury on what it's like to be really ugly and suck at basketball and life
Maria Sharapova determined not hot, just tall blonde that plays tennis and grunts loudly
The Oscars
Could there be a bigger waste of time? Have you seen the movies that they nominate for awards? Milk? What the fuck is Milk? Milk is a delicious, creamy beverage that is suckled out of the teet of a cow. Milk is not a movie. All of these phonies show up on the red carpet where they get stroked by the media and their fans. Then they go inside and get stroked by the critics. How's this, movie critics?
Best Movie: Roadhouse
Best Actor: Keanu Reeves - Point Break
Best Supporting Actor - Alec Baldwin - Outside Providence
1/19/2009
Why are coin flips being used professional sports? Now that I think about it they are only used by the NFL. The NFL loves coin flips, they want to give coin flips oral, they want to marry and cheat on coin flips. When Roger Goodell is home alone he masturbates to busty coinflip magazine. Let me learn you on the subject of coinflips.
The NFL uses coinflips to determine who gets the ball/side of field and who gets the ball in overtime. In case you don't know, the coin flip in overtime essentially determines the winner of the game. So why the fuck are we using coin flips at all? Here is my solution, ANYTHING ELSE! How about each team lines up their fastest player and we have a race? How about who can shotgun a beer faster? How about an egg toss? Featuring Ray Lewis against Troy Polamalu, the smart money is on Polamalu. Heck, bring out the nose tackles, and whoevers dump weighs more would be a better way of determing anything that is determined off of a coin flip.
I think we have all seen enough of Howie Long. Guess what meathead, just because you put glasses on does not make you an intelligent meathad. You were a fucking defensive lineman retard, the dumbest players on the field, everyone knows that. Oh Howie now you are on the new chevy truck commercials? But .... but why are you alone? You don't want to team up with the skank you're currently cheating on, I mean dating, so put together some vomit-inducing commmercial? Remember Teri Hatcher and the radio shack commercials? What do you think their dinner conversation was like?
HOWIE: How come we are not having meat and potatoes?
TERI: It hurts too much to throw up meat and potatoes.
HOWIE: Where are my hair trimmers and flat top stencil?
TERI: It hurts too much to throw up your hair trimmer and stencil.
HOWIE: We should mate
TERI: It hurts too much to throw up your semen
HOWIE: We should do a TV commercial
TERI: I agree, people love us, especially together
HOWIE: Howie hungry
1/15/2009
Randy Levine is creepy. His nose........is creepy. Randy Levine is the President of the Yankees and is quite fond of saying really stupid things in public. His nose, you must see this nose. He has like a penis where his nose is supposed to be. Randy Levine’s penis...i mean nose is creepy. And how the hell do you pronounce Levine? Le VINE Le VEEN, NOBODY KNOWS!
LeBron James is such a fucking bitch! Every time he gets fouled he goes Reggie Miller flailing about and then checking for blood, he's checking for blood, i got poked in the eye, I lost my eye. Not cool man.....you're better than that.
And what's the deal with Berets? I saw a chick ....on the street the other day....wearing a fucking beret. No beret wearing, they're really stupid. Saddam Hussein though, that man could wear him some beret. He could eat sorbet while wearing him some beret and NOONE WOULD SAY A WORD.
What is going to happen with our catching situation here? The options are
1. Josh Bard and George Kattaras (Pawtucket) PLAN C
2. Trade for Taylor Teagarden, Jarrod Saltalamacchia, or Miguel Montero. PLAN B
3. Sign Jason Varitek to an affordable deal. PLAN A
OK, signing Varitek is the best option here. Let me put my GM hat on. PLAN C provides the worst quality of catching and does not identify a long term solution at catcher. Plan B is trick or treat. Trading for any of those three could work out. They are all young and somewhat talented. Of course, they could suck. The question is, will they be better than a different prospect that needs a couple more years to develop or one hitting the free agent market? This is how you make the call on this option. Of course a huge downside to this route is that you have to trade prospects to do this deal. Probably Clay Bucholz, no thanks bra. This is why Varitek is the best option. He's awesome. Yes, he's old. Yes, his offense was not good. Take a look at catching statistics. There are not many good catchers, they are either good offensive catchers, or good defensive catchers, very few that are good at both. Jason Varitek is a known commodity, we can get him for a 1 year deal, 2 worst case. You spend little with this option. You trade no prospects with this option. I think they should then think about dealing some of their prospects for a younger catching prospect with high upside. You heard it here first!
1/13/2009
OK, I want to know what the qualifications of Tony Reali are. First I see him on PTI as "stat boy" correcting Kornheiser and Wilbon on any mistakes that they made. My issue here is that they position him behind a computer like he's some sort of encyclopedia on sports minutiae. Like Reali is the Mainframe of information that ESPN runs on. Like this bimbo is smart enough to even fact check things they say over the course of the show. I guarantee you he is on facebook emailing topless photos of himself to teenage girls. Hi I'm Chris Hanson, Tony.......What are you doooing here?
As if that is not bad enough, as soon as PTI ends this lightweight is HOSTING a show where ESPN gathers the ugliest people from the Pan Alpha Universe and places them on dueling flatscreens. It's like a fucking episode of star trek watching one of those shows. I would go into detail on which sports writers look like which Star Trek enemies but STAR TREK IS FOR LOSERS. Anyway, that fucking bimbo Reali is the one who decides to award points to his merry gang of mutants when they make points that he thinks are good. In case I am able to go on the show someday, I have prepared "The perfect monologue" that I think will get Reali so hot and bothered his button will malfunction from excessive finger manipulation. Reali's head will fucking explode........which will mean I have successfully completed my mission.
Hi Tony, this is Porter....I like beer....Facebook is fun....it's got purdy colors and purdy pictures of girls......beer is good.....hey tony did you see the picture of that guy hanging from the ski lift naked...he he...he he....I like stuff you don't have to think about too much.....Tony....hey Tony....you want to make some nachos after this? Oh look there's a highlight of a basketball......bounce bounce bounce....yaaaaay! Tony....Tony we should go wax our abs after the show....and then drink some beer....and make nachos......
ALL TIME HIGH SCORE!
1/12/2009
I am a sports purist. I am a die-hard fan of my local sports teams and I particularly fancy our baseball and foootball teams. I follow them closely and know more than you do about them. I am a sports purist. I like to watch a good sporting event and know more about the actual sports than you do. Why go on such an arrogant, high minded preface to todays entry in the Sports Rant? Well thank you for asking voice in my head. The reason is that I am laying the foundation for a structure to withstand the blowback from a very controversial stand I am about to make and seek to ratify my standing as an "elite" sports fan.
Fantasy Football is so fucking stupid. I could not think of a bigger waste of time. To watch a sporting event with someone who is following their fantasy players is ridiculous. "Oh yes player x just scored a widget which means I get 7.2 points in my imaginary football league for my imaginary football team!" I like to spend all my free time researching which players score more widgets than others. I love widgets.
Playing in fantasy sports does not make you a big sports fan. It ruins the experience of observing sport. Instead you cheer for widgets to be scored by players you may not like on teams you may not like. What the fuck kind of perversion of sports viewing is that? With no fantasy sport motivations, you can watch the sport as it was intended. You think Ben Rothelisberger looks like 2 pounds of bologna stuffed in to a one pound bag? Then you boo that fucking douchebag! You think Ray Lewis murders people on his way from the football stadium to his church? Then you accuse him of being a double murderer! The joy of watching sport with no fantasy ties is a joy that I want
1/9/2009
Hear ye, Hear ye, today shall be known as the day that the Red Sox ratified the 2009 World Series. Oh my god who did they sign! Was it that scumbag Manny Ramirez or did we just trade for Joe Mauer? Please tell me I need to know.
Well my friends, you may have heard that we just signed one Rocco Baldelli, 27 of Woonsocket, Rhode Island. Baldelli is awesome. Baldelli is wearing nomar's # 5, yeah fuck you nomaaah! Baldelli is not even bald, well just a little. Baldelli is the Woonsocket Rocket! Baldelli is a legit 5 tool player, which is 2 more than Mark Teixera or Manny Ramirez. Rocco Baldelli can beat Mark Teixera in scrabble. Baldelli once took Manny Ramirez' wife out on a date and THEN NEVER CALLED HER AGAIN. Baldelli slept with every girl in his senior class, one of whom was Mark Teixera, formerly Mindy Teixera, you know before she had a sex change and was signed by the Yankees.
Mindy knew she would never get a sniff of Baldelli's ilk again and did everything she could to become a pro ball player so as to more easily stalk one Rocco Baldelli. Mark Teixera is obsessed with Rocco Baldelli. Rocco Baldelli is the Woonsocket Rocket. Rocco Baldelli has just certified a 2009 Red Sox World Series. Rocco Baldelli is the Woonsocket Rocket.
Hear ye, Hear ye, today shall be known as the day that the Red Sox ratified the 2009 World Series. Oh my god who did they sign! Was it that scumbag Manny Ramirez or did we just trade for Joe Mauer? Please tell me I need to know.
Well my friends, you may have heard that we just signed one Rocco Baldelli, 27 of Woonsocket, Rhode Island. Baldelli is awesome. Baldelli is wearing nomar's # 5, yeah fuck you nomaaah! Baldelli is not even bald, well just a little. Baldelli is the Woonsocket Rocket! Baldelli is a legit 5 tool player, which is 2 more than Mark Teixera or Manny Ramirez. Rocco Baldelli can beat Mark Teixera in scrabble. Baldelli once took Manny Ramirez' wife out on a date and THEN NEVER CALLED HER AGAIN. Baldelli slept with every girl in his senior class, one of whom was Mark Teixera, formerly Mindy Teixera, you know before she had a sex change and was signed by the Yankees.
Mindy knew she would never get a sniff of Baldelli's ilk again and did everything she could to become a pro ball player so as to more easily stalk one Rocco Baldelli. Mark Teixera is obsessed with Rocco Baldelli. Rocco Baldelli is the Woonsocket Rocket. Rocco Baldelli has just certified a 2009 Red Sox World Series. Rocco Baldelli is the Woonsocket Rocket.
1/8/2009
Many people have asked me who they should cheer for in the NFL playoffs since the Patriots are not in them. There is actually a very scientific process that I use to determine this.
1. Which of our rivals are in the playoffs. In order to be a true fan of your local team, you must HATE their rivals. For example, The Steelers suck. They have never beaten us in the playoffs and the terrible towels are ridiculous. If you see me in the stands waving a fucking towel then call me immediately. Because it will mean there is a ridiculously good looking douchebag in Pittsburgh that looks exactly like me and I need to know about this. To be a card carrying new england sports fan you must hate all New York sports teams not to mention that fucking super bowl debacle last year. The NY Giants are out. The San Diego Chargers, LT is such a bitch and is always "hurt" in these critical playoff games. Mark my words, he will be sitting on the heated bench with his visor down and a big coat on this weekend. Chargers are out.
2. Which players or teams do I hate that are not our rivals? Lets chalk up Donovan McNabb and the Philadelphia Eagles and Cell Block D of the Baltimore Penitentiary .... I mean the Baltimore Ravens. They are out.
3. Who does that leave us with? Tennessee, Arizona, and Carolina.
Ultimately what I am looking for here is a totally harmless Super Bowl winner. One that I can forget about as soon as it happens.
1/5/2009
All of the teams in the NFL Playoffs suck. Tarvaris Jackson does not know how to read. Phillip Rivers only has two words in his vocabulary: Date Rape. Peyton Manning, he looks like the toxic avenger. I hate this redneck, gets twinkle toes in the pocket like a constipated toddler. Larry Fitzgerald is a stud, that touchdown catch he had was one of the most graceful things I have ever seen. Matt Ryan, nice little quarterback, no Tom Brady.
Matt Cassell will be franchised and traded. I expect a 1st and 3rd round draft pick in return. I expect Tom Brady to be totally healthy next year. I expect us to win the super bowl next year. I will cheer for whatever team Matt Cassell is on as my second favorite team. He is an awesome quarterback.
